Early insight in to the "joys" of parenthood

Monday night me and Sheryl were over some friends visiting them and their newborn son. Baby Daddy is being a good sport and he's changing the kiddo's diaper. Suddenly, Baby Daddy screams like a 12 year old girl. Want to guess why?

No, the boy didn't spray him - I've heard about that a million times. Yes, that'd be a fun post, but the kid did one better. Kiddo projectile shat and got it all over Baby Daddy's pant leg and socks.

Now, keep in mind the lil guy was born 5 weeks early. So yeah, he's got the size of a kid that should still be in momma's belly. That said, the kid - I swear to you - launched poop from his butt over 18 inches. Swear to ya.

For those who don't know, I hate to wipe my own rear. TMI? Meh, deal with it. I still don't have a clue how I am going to handle changing diapers. Oh, and apparently newborns go through 8-10 a day.

Yep, some insight in to raising a baby. Can't wait for ours to projectile crap on me. That smell is sarcasm, not poop.

First vomit!

Whoo hoo! Shirl threw up for the first time yesterday! Ok, not that exciting, but I'll make fun of her, anyway. She got near the trash and that was that. Her pregnancy superpower of increased sense of smell took hold and that was the end of it.

So you know, yes, she knows about this blog and I'm sure I'll get yelled at for this. Too bad!

Clothing issues

Well, Carlos is certainly moving in. Sheryl's jeans are all too tight and we actually went shopping for maternity jeans yesterday. Normally shopping would be something I'd rather not be involved with, but this was a bit different/cool. The bad news? Remember that Sheryl is just a couple inches taller than a midget, so all pants need to be petites, or she ends up looking like a little girl wearing mommie's work pants.

On a semi-unrelated note, Sheryl and me are going to start getting our fat asses back in shape starting today. We'll see how this goes!

Where we're at on this ride

Well, today was a damn good day. We had our second ultrasound and Carlos, which, until further notice shall be the alias of my yet-to-be-born lovechild, is doing what any good embryo should be doing and that's growing. Heartbeat is in the mid 170's, which is great. Everything is text-book so far. And the best news? The subchorionic hematoma (big medical words for scary shit that can kill your unborn child) - if that's what it was - is nowhere to be seen. Hells yes, my friends. Hells yes.

Yeah, think about this next part for a second. The thing has been in existance, technically, for just six weeks now and Carlos is already pumping blood though his kidney bean sized body. If that doesn't make you say WTF, I don't know what will. Oh, and apparently Carlos is developing an appendix (he's wasting his time with that one), both brain hemispheres, and nubbin-like hands and feet are sprouting. At this point the pics I see online look more like an angry alien than a homo sapien. There's the latest about what he's up to in there while Sheryl is cookin' him in the oven.

Today we also met with the gentic councelor. I don't know if these people realize how scary the shit they tell you is to expecting parents. To sum it up, you gotta worry about three things: chromosomes 13, 18, and 21. If you got issues with 13 and 18, things are going to end very, very badly. #21 is the Down's chomosome. Still scary, but not deformed with no chance to live scary.

Yep, 'tis da troof!

No joke folks, yours truly is going to be a dad. You think you're shocked? Trust me, Sheryl (aka Shirl) and me are still floored... and we've known for almost a full month now.

As weird crap comes up, I'll be talking about it here. Sheryl puking and not being able to poop will be blogged about. Those will be can't miss posts, I can imagine. All of the scary crap I learn about, you'll get some info pertaining to it. Genetic testing? Yep.. as fun as watching The Exorcist on acid... and I'll talk about it when we get there. Yay.

So this is just the first intro post. NOBODY has a clue this is even live yet... right? If you find this somehow, more power to ya. You now know our dirty lil' secret... I'm a baby daddy. Shirl is "in a family way". Knocked up, whatever. What you won't ever here me say is this: "we" are pregnant. I didn't fail biology. I know how this shit works. I'm not preggo, I just have a beer belly.